Overnight with stepmom: part one

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Overnight with stepmom: part one

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I get it. You met and became part of the same family system against your will, and very likely by starting off on the wrong foot.

One of you is the former mate, one of you is the new partner. There were broken hearts, broken homes, children, and enough emotional energy to power a large city for a decade!

No matter if both of you were the nicest of nice people with the most civilized and amicable of divorce situations, your relationship requires both of you to step into very personal and sensitive territory to become wives and parents, and to endure a strange new way of life.

The following statements and questions are for myself and for all of you living as moms and stepmoms, wives and ex-wives.

Some of them make me swallow hard because they touch a nerve and force me to face qualities in myself I need to work on.

I know. You were there first. He was yours. He may have done you wrong maybe not , and you are angry and hurt from the events of the past.

Now, you must send your children, your most precious reasons for living, to be away from you part time. How could you not feel sad, jealous, worried, and angry knowing that another woman shares her time with them?

Who is she? You want to be the only woman they have affection for. Her relationship with him is completely different than yours.

You may hate him and have bad memories; but, she does not. She will always side with him. Do you realize that your children can love you with all their hearts and still have room to care about her, too?

You can choose to either fight every step of the way and live miserably, or you can choose to be flexible and cooperative.

Would you really want the alternative? Do you understand that the more conflict you cause, the more you will push her to that end?

Your kids know who their mother is. You divorced their dad, not the kids. You will never have peace, be truly happy, or be able to move on until you let your anger and resentment go.

Show your children how to live graciously, how to deal with conflict without stalking, cussing, insulting, resisting, trash-talking, undermining the authority of others, and generally setting an example of bitterness.

I hear you. You just want to be able to live your life without baby mama drama! Shame on you if you ever say or do anything to try to drive a wedge between the kids and their mom.

She is part of them and what you say and do can hurt them. You may not agree with the way she does everything. She may not agree with you.

It may feel like you got a free ex with purchase of new spouse; but, you must remain calm in the storm and not let your frustration show.

This is inherently part of the stepfamily dynamic. But there are some ways you can beat back and rise above outsider syndrome, stepmom. In your early stepmom days, part of outsider syndrome can stem from not having a close relationship with your stepkids.

Get to know them. Find an activity they like and do it together. The more secure we are in our relationships, the less we feel like an outsider in our family.

Make the most of those noncustodial days together. Watching late-night TV with your partner whose love language is physical touch? Give them a backrub during the show.

Do you let your partner sleep in on Sundays and their love language is acts of service? Bring them coffee when they wake up. Those small but significant moments will create deeper connections that last.

The more you dilute the person you were before you became a stepmom , the more outsider syndrome will tear you apart. Work hard to be the person you were before you met your partner — and the person you were when they fell in love with you.

Bring back those wine nights with your girlfriends, those solo trips to the movie theater, and those spin classes you never missed on Saturday mornings.

Do you partner and stepson want to watch a movie together? Try to limit your conversation with them to email and text so you can use it in court.

Schedule a few consultations with Attorneys. Keep your cool. Have an unbiased, non family member witness the child exchange to see what you see. They can testify in court.

As a matter of fact, try to have many witnesses observe on different occasions and use both men and women witnesses, just in case you have a biased judge.

Let them draw their own conclusions so that nothing can come back to bite you in court. Use non friends because they would be considered biased.

Consider hiring a part time baby sitter or nanny. This person is not family and can get to know your child and testify as to what changes they see.

The Internet has a lot of legal information available if you find a credible source. God bless your children. As an attorney who has handled divorces, custody disputes, and every other small town dilemma faced by my fellow citizens…I have read through the above and many of the comments with some interest and great sorrow.

Part of that sorrow is due to how many people seem not to be unaware that they live in the most narcissistic culture of all times. And the Grand Irony of our narcissistic society?

We consistently fail to look in the mirror. A few thinking points on the above topic… 1. Most Americans from all economic classes are too immature to breed, but do so anyway.

Stanford offers their entire first year course from Robert Sapolosky for free on line. Midweek overnights for most children of divorce are an incredibly bad idea for the well being and development of a child.

I base this on over thirty years practicing law — why? Our daughter is 7 months old. We split during the pregnancy, and when she was born we attempted to work it out and I would stay with him or vice Versa.

He would get angry with her in the middle of the night and yell, for waking him up. We continued to have conflict and long story short I left for good.

She was with me everyday, every night. I even took her to work. He would see her when his mom was able to meet me due to him having no license and he would have her depending hours at a time no overnights.

She was too young , and he would yell at her at night. He ended up filing for full custody. And they granted one overnight a week, plus a mid weekday evening visit.

I also got a new job for the medical benefits for my children, and more pay to support them as well. Since the overnights she comes home and is fine until bedtime.

She wakes up all night long crying. This is then causing her to be tired the next day and the sitter has noticed the pattern.

But HELP!!!! What can I do in court to find common ground and understanding? Taking her to the doctor? Seeing a therapist? Sleeping professional? Brittney, while this is a hard, hard time for you, I applaud you for reaching out for support and for making yourself available to your child.

Being there for your baby, especially in her anxiety surrounding sleeping at night, is exactly what she needs right now from you. We will be in touch soon privately.

Hi, My child is 4 months old and has no relationship with his father. I understand that shorter and frequent visits are ideal for babies and toddlers.

So I offer a short and frequent time but being the person that he is, he refused and wants it his way only.

I am breastfeeding and co-sleep with my child. The temporary order that was given was that he gets 2 unsupervised hours a week. He said he was to busy on the weekdays as a way to hopefully get overnights weekends.

Even if the baby is so young and has no relationship with him? My wife and I have been separated for about 6 months now, and have finally finished the divorce this month.

After my wife got home, I would start my work, and come to bed in the middle of the night. Since my wife has moved out, our son stays with her, and I spend several evenings a week with him, plus all of sunday, but no overnights.

I feel that one of the reason that our son only cries if he gets hurt or surprised is that I was always there to preemptively handle his needs, be it hunger, boredom, temperature, etc.

His favorite place in the world was my shoulder, and he could fall asleep there peacefully in the middle of the 4th of July fireworks.

He used to wake up in the middle of the night when I came upstairs after working, no matter how silent my steps were.

He gets the biggest smile and runs as fast as her can towards me every time he sees me, and I can still soothe him more effectively than anyone else.

But what can I do? My ex wife stays out late, has had boyfriends, and luckily has had her mother come from oversees to watch him.

I am hoping that my ex will agree to have me watch him during the days, and her watch him after she gets home. She thinks the best way to remedy the issue is have our son go back to China with her mother, and stay there for two months while we figure out how to afford the k per month for quality childcare.

My Daughter is 4 and she is very proud of herself that she is able to sleep in her own bed at My house. She also wants to spend more time with her Dad.

I am and have always been an involved Father, and I read stories with my daughter until she goes to sleep. Then I go to my sleeping place.

My daughter is not disrupted if I get up in the middle of the night, or get up early to make breakfast for her.

No Dr. You are mistaken. Kids need do learn to deal with their fears at ages 3 and 4. If handled with care they can thrive in a divorce situation.

The baby has always slept with me and nurses still at night. I know he will be terrified if this is forced upon us by the court. I got a new attorney who said we can challenge this.

Are there any studies which show how harmful this is? My daughter is 5 years old, her father saw her an estimated 12 times in 4 years when it was convenient for him.

Every child is different and some need longer than others! My Granddaughter has a 1-year-old child. She was not married to his Father.

He lives 10 hours away. He comes and gets him on Friday at 3 PM, after driving 10 hours, he turns around and drives 10 hrs back to his home.

Then he brings him back on Monday at 3 PM. This time he gets to keep the Baby ten days. She has tried to tell the Judge and the Guardian Ad Litem that this is not in the best interest of Kaiden.

The Father is constantly telling lies on Kayla, my Grandaughter and it seems no matter how much evidence Kayla supplies to prove he is lying, he still gets everything he wants.

Pictures and Doctor statements seem to fall on dead ears. Help, Please, Please. His biological father is not consistent in calling or visiting do to he lives in a different state, he has never made the effort to try u to visit..

What should I do. I have a 3 month old breastfeed baby. I separated and filed for divorce while I was still pregnant.

At this time divorce is pending. I believe our daughter is to young for overnight. The father has put in a motion for child visitation.

Does anyone know what would be a reasonable time sharing schedule I should bring to the table to be fair to our baby, father and myself?

My situation is very different. I recently took both parents to court.

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